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My siblings won't help pay for Mom's care. What do I do?
The letter
I'm the only one of four siblings who left the Philippines, and somehow that means I pay for everything — Mama's maintenance meds, the helper's salary, the hospital bills when something happens. My brothers say they'll help "when they can," and then they don't. Last month I sent ₱40,000 and my sister posted photos from a beach trip. I love my mother and I will never stop supporting her. But I'm 52, my own retirement savings are thin, and I'm starting to resent people I love. How do other families handle this?
Our answer
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this. Resentment isn’t a failure of utang na loob — it’s what happens when an arrangement is unspoken and unequal for years. The fix isn’t to feel less; it’s to make the arrangement explicit.
Stop asking for help. Start assigning ownership. “Can you help with Mama’s expenses?” is a request anyone can defer forever. “You own the electricity and water — ₱4,000 a month, paid directly” is a job. Families that split by category rather than by vague contribution almost always report the same thing: the money starts arriving, because there is now a specific thing that is visibly not being done when it isn’t.
Count the non-cash contributions out loud. The sibling on the ground who drives to appointments, manages the helper, and answers the 3 a.m. call is contributing enormously — often more than you are, measured in life disruption. Say so explicitly, then weight the money accordingly. Many long-running fights are really about one person’s contribution never being named.
Put a number on the total, in writing, once. Build the actual monthly budget — household, meds, caregiver, buffer — and send it to the group chat. Not as an accusation; as information. Most non-contributing siblings genuinely do not know the number. Some will still not contribute. But you will stop carrying the arithmetic alone in your head. Our guide to supporting elderly parents walks through building that budget, and the caregiver cost calculator prices the care line honestly.
Then set your own floor and stop negotiating with yourself. Decide what you can sustain for ten more years without wrecking your retirement, commit to that amount, and let the gap between that and the total be a family problem rather than your private one. A 65-year-old with no savings cannot support anyone. Protecting your own future is part of taking care of your mother, not a betrayal of her.
The beach photos will still sting. That’s allowed. But you’ll be arguing about a shared number instead of about who loves her most.
What other readers said
Sent in by readers who have been through the same thing, published with their permission.
What finally worked for us was assigning categories instead of asking for money. My brother owns the electric bill and the water — small amounts, but he pays them directly and he's never missed one. Asking for 'help' got nothing; asking him to own something specific got everything.
— Sample reader, Houston
I had to accept that my sister in Cebu was contributing — she drives Papa to every appointment and handles the helper. I was counting only pesos. Once I said out loud that her time counted, the fights stopped.
— Sample reader, Toronto
Been through this yourself?
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