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Our helper keeps asking for cash advances. Are we being taken advantage of?
The letter
We've had the same kasambahay caring for my father in Quezon City for two years. She's good with him — genuinely good. But every few weeks there's a request: a sick nephew, tuition, a phone that broke. We've advanced maybe ₱25,000 over the past year and I've lost track of what's been repaid. My husband says we're being played. I say we'd be lost without her. Who's right?
Our answer
You’re probably both a little right, and the disagreement is hiding the actual problem: there’s no system, so every request becomes a judgment about her character and your generosity. Systems fix that.
First, check the pay against the market. Repeated advances are often a signal that the salary doesn’t survive the month, not that someone is manipulating you. Run the numbers in the caregiver cost calculator for your city and care level. If she’s below range for what she actually does — and two years of good care for an elderly man is real skilled work — raise her. A raise costs less than replacing her, and it ends most of this.
Then change the pay rhythm before you change anything else. Paying every two weeks, or weekly, resolves a surprising share of advance requests, because the gap that people can’t bridge is usually the last week of the month.
Make advances boring and written. One page, both of you sign: advances are capped at a set amount, deducted from specific future paydays, and tracked on a sheet you both see. Photograph it, keep it in the family chat. The point isn’t legalism — it’s that “I’m sorry, we’re at the cap until March” is a policy rather than a personal refusal, and it protects the relationship you depend on. The payslip generator has a deductions line you can use for exactly this, so each payday shows the balance.
Do the compliance part too. If she isn’t enrolled in SSS, PhilHealth, and Pag-IBIG, do it now. A caregiver with no health coverage and no savings mechanism has to come to you when something breaks — you are functioning as her entire safety net. Enrolling her converts emergencies into claims.
And be honest about the leverage in the room. You are 8,000 miles away and she is the person who notices when your father stops eating. That dependence is real and it is worth paying for generously — not with untracked cash, but with a fair wage, benefits, and a 13th month that arrives on time.
If the requests continue after all of that, you have a different conversation on your hands. But most families never get to that conversation, because the system solves it first.
What other readers said
Sent in by readers who have been through the same thing, published with their permission.
We switched to paying twice a month instead of monthly and the advance requests almost stopped. It turned out she wasn't overspending — she just ran out before the month did.
— Sample reader, Daly City
Been through this yourself?
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Send your reply →Answers here are lived experience and general information — not medical, legal, or financial advice. For decisions about a specific person, talk to a professional licensed where you and your parent live.